do salamanders get lonely?

[thanate]

So as I occasinally whine about but never actually make a sufficient effort to change, I never actually talk to my friends when they're not around. Except for sometimes over e-mail, but not even so much then, and I've given up on most of them unless I have something actual to say (and when does that happen?) because they don't answer e-mails any better than real letters. Or, at times, any better than I answer e-mails...

Anyway, I even when I do see people and therefore talk to them and stuff, there are extremely few people with whom I have a physical relationship. I mean, I hug people if they hug me and stuff like that (and with people I actually get on with I don't have a problem with this, although then there was the time I'm still convinced I horribly offended dominyk by giving him the worst hug ever because I wasn't paying attention and then felt too dumb about it to apologize or anything...) but it doesn't occur to me to touch most people most of the time. It's possibly just lack of practice, really, and I'm a lot better about this than I used to be.

But then there are too many people who are friends of friends, who appear to think they're my friends too, when as far as I'm concerned I kind of know them and am not interested in being petted merely because our mutual friends are very physical people. And then one has to decide exactly where the line is that it's appropriate to say "hey, do you mind not touching me" versus just attempting to be polite about it.

And of course then the few people I do actually touch voluntarily I end up clinging to, not that that's necessarily a problem either, I guess. But still. And that's when they're actually there, that is... (sigh)

It's also possible that I'm just testy because there are getting to be too many people in my social circle who are very nice people and who I really don't like. Which makes me disinclined to spend time with the people I do like because I have to put up with them, too. And there was far too much sugar in the tea (since people kept adding it to the teapot) so now my head hurts, and I miss the grauwulf, who is still far away and not here. Whine, whine. And I should be asleep because I have to get up early tomorrow, but my brain was too full of whining to shut off.

I go away & try that sleep thing again now. Maybe it will work better this time.

Comments

[heuchera.livejournal.com]

The primate thing gets me, too. Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pick bugs out of my hair or something.... and while I don't want bugs in my hair, and while I like being touched by some people, the presumed relationship thing with almost totally random people is really weird.

I have found that, especially on repeat exposure, not responding to signs of incipient physical contact can deter touchy-feely people. Generally they have good enough people-reading skills to pick up on it, and if they don't, well, they probably know it and may not mind being told something bothers you if you're polite about it. Hard to say.

[thanate.livejournal.com]

most people are ok with being told to go away; it's just always one of those things that I feel vaguely rude telling them about. And I'm never sure if it's the feeling that I'm being rude for saying so, or more of a feeling that I'm pointing out someone else's rudeness which I should be politely overlooking. And compounded by the fact that most of the people I want to say these things to (and the ones who don't just catch on quickly) are usually people I don't actually like that well, and so am a little more careful not to be rude to, because it's more likely to happen if I'm not paying attention.

Of course, this is still better than the random strangers who feel the need to come up and touch my hair in the grocery store. Note to self: never wear hair down in public again! Some lady walked by and felt the need to pet it by way of demonstration when she told me it was pretty. And I know I'm apparently a freak and the rest of the species actually likes people coming up and telling them how pretty they are or whatever, but that's just creepy.

[heuchera.livejournal.com]

So now I am pondering which statement would be more effective and which would be less offensive: "I'm sorry -- it really bothers me to have my hair touched" or "Please don't touch my hair; it bothers me." I'm sort of inclined towards the first for least offensive and am guessing they would be equally effective, but I don't really know. I guess because the first approach takes the onus of the bad interaction on to you while still yielding the benefit of them not touching.

Not that one should have to justify not being touched, just maybe it's easier to appease the offender a little in order to get them to go away faster. Like saying "thank you" to (intended) compliments while walking away...

Hmm, am now feeling the need to consult Miss Manners. Instead I am eating chocolate and not practicing. Bleh.

[thanate.livejournal.com]

generally I do just say "thank you" in a semi-inaudible tone, and then go back to comparing olive prices (or whatever else I was doing)

But the problem with that one is that I am quite convinced it is rude of her to be touching a random stranger's hair without asking permission. And there isn't really an approved way to tell someone they've just done something out of line. If she had been very rude, I wouldn't have had a problem with being rude back and telling her she was offensive, but because it was just a fleeting touch and move on sort of thing, saying "thanks, but please don't touch it" would have been making too much of it, particularly since by the time I could have finished saying that, she was half way down the aisle.