thanate | "I only have one match, but I can make an explosion"

I wrote the entry last Tuesday and then moved from the table to the couch with my laptop and wrote upwards of 600 words of fiction. And then there was some other crap on Wednesday and I had to rewrite an updated version of the list I gave grauwulf almost two years ago detailing 101 steps for how to take care of himself (eat. sleep. do these things at biologically appropriate times. take vitamins and any daily meds... not groundbreaking anything here) and tell him that he's not allowed to ask "what can I do to make your life easier" until he's up on that list. Because that kind of question either comes 20 minutes before collapse or is met with some expression that my answer isn't good enough.

I had a couple of friends/co-workers once where her previous relationship had been the sort where the first time he bought her flowers she burst into tears b/c she immediately interpreted it as an apology for having done something horrible. Grauwulf feels the need to reassure me periodically that he's never cheated on me, and I keep trying to ask why the hell it would occur to me to think he had. Context is hard. But my patience is also sanded down to nothing. The Megatherium and I spent almost two hours at her school last night for their Winter Market and I was happier hanging out in a crowded gym while she ran around with her friends & occasionally dipped into the music room for the (very young hipster) music teacher's idea of a kids' "disco party." (Having not grown up on holiday specials, xmas video cuts are a bit of a culture shock...) When we got home, grauwulf was melting down about where we were because he forgot we were going (we discussed this ~4:30pm) and he'd forgotten to check the calendar. T-16 days to converging health insurance. I remain furious about the long history of aborted attempts to do something, many of which boil down to, "But this is so embarrassing." Screaming continues not to be a useful option.

While they are burning the world around our ears, let's see if we can get in the knife of the guts of toxic masculinity and self-loathing on the way down, shall we?